Alright, here we go:

I had to put my cat to sleep last week. Yes, I know…a cat. Some people don’t take that very seriously. So, I decided to write about it. Also, writing is what makes me feel better, usually…and right now I need that.

His name was Mischief. He was my cat, my pet, my buddy…for 16 years. 16 YEARS. That’s a long time. (Those of you who read my book know the crazy, sad story about how he came into my life, but I won’t get into that part of it).

He wasn’t feeling well a couple months ago so I took him to the vet and they told me he had kidney failure. Apparently that’s what happens to most older cats; it’s what takes them from us. They told me he wasn’t too sick yet, but that it was terminal, and that with a daily IV of fluids, he’d be more comfortable. I was terrified to do it myself but they explained to me that I had to and so I sucked it up-after all, if I didn’t, he was going to feel worse. So there’s that; for a few weeks I gave my cat a daily IV…I’ve never felt so single.

Long story short, after a while he started to feel worse. The vet told me the signs to look for, the signs that would tell me it was time to let him go. She said that too often, people hold on to pets longer than they should because they don’t want to let them go. I promised myself I would not do that to my buddy. He was a good guy, he didn’t deserve to feel like shit.

So when I thought it was time, I called the vet and told her what I’d observed over the past few days. She confirmed that it was, in fact, time. I started to cry; I told her I didn’t even know what to do. I have lost pets before, when I was a kid, but I had never had to have one put down. She explained to me there were options: I could schedule an appointment and bring him in, or she could come to my home and do the procedure there. I chose to have her come to my home. It seemed the best way to let him go: at home, comfortable, not scared. He always hated going to the vet and the thought of taking him there to die made me sick to my stomach.

I have some pretty great friends, I have to say. The night the vet was coming to put my little guy out of his misery, three of them came over. We drank wine, shared silly memories about Mischief (they’ve known him a long time, too) and gave him tons of love. He was pretty stoked about all the attention; he perked up a little and took full advantage. It was beautiful.

When the vet knocked on my door, we all just stared at each other. The girls offered to let her in but I said I would do it, I could do it. She came up and softly explained to me the quick procedure; she’d give him a shot that he would barely even feel to sedate him, then after a couple of minutes, when he was definitely unable to feel anything, she’d give him the shot that would make his little heart stop.

I put him on his favorite blanket in his favorite spot, and the vet gave him the sedative. He looked at all of us; inquisitive, tired…but he seemed relaxed. He also seemed to know it was time to go…maybe that sounds crazy but, whatever, my cat just died so give me a break.

When she knew he was fully sedated, she gently told me it was time. I started sobbing, harder than I even knew that I could. Like uncontrollable, child-like sobbing. My friends were crying, too…it was a real mess. I nodded to the vet, letting her know to go ahead and she did. I stared at him the whole time, looking in his eyes telling him I loved him and that I was so sorry that I couldn’t do anything else to make him feel better. I waited for his eyes to close but they never did, then the vet explained to me that they wouldn’t. Weird, right?

After a few minutes, she listened to his heartbeat, looked up at me and said “I’m so sorry.” Uncontrollable sobbing started again. That was it. My little buddy was gone. Everyone went downstairs and left me alone with him to say goodbye, then they came back up and that was it. The vet took him away and suddenly it was all over.

I have felt a little crazy since, I admit. I’ll cry out of nowhere, or I’ll just lay in bed when I know I have something else I should do. My friend Jackie told me I needed to give myself a break, it isn’t “crazy” to grieve. She said “he was in your life for 16 years, Sarah…it’s okay to feel the loss.” I know she’s right.

I slept with his collar on my wrist for a couple of nights. It made me feel better (except when I’d turn in my sleep and it would jingle and wake me up). Pretty ridiculous, I know.

I still feel really sad. I come home and he’s not at the door waiting for me like he had been for 16 years. I go into my kitchen and he doesn’t follow me, meowing really loudly, letting me know he wants some fucking turkey. It’s weird. It’s change.

I know he’s at peace and sure, yeah, that gives me some comfort like everyone tells you it’s supposed to. But at the end of the day, I just miss him. Period. It doesn’t seem to matter that he’s at peace when I miss him, it just hurts.

So, I wanted to write about it, get it off my chest…and I wanted to give him a shout out. He was the best, and it breaks my heart that I had to let him go.

Rest in peace, my little buddy. I love you.

So on the roundtable this week I made a joke about my loud, fat cat. Today, I got this email; my response is below. It was too fun not to share.

From “Wilson”:
Why get a cat if you’re not going to take good care of it and learn how to care for it properly? It’s obese because of your stupidity. It didn’t do it by itself.

NEVER leave food out for any animal. Animals food needs to be restricted just as for any human. Look at Chuy! Look at the people who can’t even get out of bed! You’re doing the same fucking thing to a precious animal who can’t change what YOU do to it!!!
Food 24/7 also creates crystals in the kidneys which block the urethra.

Why don’t you EDUCATE yourself about an animal BEFORE you decide to get one, instead of abusing the poor thing.
The cat will probably die soon of kidney failure. You need to take the cat to the Humane Society and get it proper care since you don’t give a shit.
Fucking cunt. You should be arrested for animal abuse.
Sad thing is….. you’ll probably make “jokes” about it instead of being a caring, compassionate, loving person.
Just shows what a pathetic excuse for a human being you are.


My response:

Dear Wilson,

I’ve actually had that cat for sixteen years, and he’s as healthy and happy as can be. He goes to the vet when needed and everything! The vet says his weight is normal, but thanks for your input! He’s also very loud, which I made a joke about because I’m a fucking comedian (or as you called it, a “cunt”).

Oh, I didn’t “go get” a cat, I inherited my cat from a boyfriend who died tragically and suddenly in a car accident, and have taken loving care of him every since. That’s a true story! You can actually read all about that and more in my New York Times Bestseller “Life As I Blow It,” the specific chapter I’m referring to is called “Hell Cat.”

PS: Thanks for watching the show!!!!

Sarah

EXCLUSIVENBC is taking a second stab at developing a comedy series based on Life As I Blow It, the book by Chelsea Lately and After Latelywriter-panelist Sarah Colonna. Denise Moss (Hackett) has been brought in to write/executive produce the project, originally developed last year with Colonna writing and Danielle Sanchez supervising. Colonna will now co-write the story with Moss, who will write the script.

The Chelsea Lately host ranked on 2012’s “Time 100” list of influencers, championed late-night TV with women 18 to 34, and dominated the New York Times’ best-seller list (again) with Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me. Meanwhile, Handler’s writer and roundtable regular, Sarah Colonna, saw her first book, Life as I Blow It, debut at No. 5 on the best-seller list and get a TV show deal with NBC.

Dear Sarah,
I recently moved from LA and got a job offer in Boston.  I work with this guy and he’s super cute, funny and such a gentlemen. We have gone out after work for a drink with a couple of co workers and he always pays for me and I truly think he flirts with me. Two of my co-workers say he is gay but honestly I have the best gay-dar and he seems 100 percent straight! should I ask? I am 23 and he’s 24.  WWSCD?

Jules

Dear Jules,

If he only pays for your drinks and not your other co-workers’ drinks then it sounds like he’s flirting with you, which would mean he is gay (since you’re both men).  It can’t hurt to ask; just be subtle and ask him the polite way:  “how long ago was your last GIRLfriend” or “when was the last time you got a BJ from a dude?”

If it turns out he’s straight, maybe re-think the way you dress; it’s possible he’s being polite because he thinks you’re broke. Regardless, don’t piss him off and try to stay friends with him because it’s fun when people buy all of your drinks.

TWSCWD

Dear Sarah,

Right now I’m a junior journalism major. I like my major but I hate school and I’m over it. I always thought people who said “School isn’t for everyone” were annoying but now I totally understand it. Because of an internship I did at Disney I’m now stuck at school and extra year. All I want to do is stand up comedy and make people laugh. Should I drop out and move to LA or stay in school for two more year.
WWSCD
Sincerely,
Lexi

 

Dear Lexi,

I finished college; I’m on TV and you’re not. 

Finish fucking college.

TWSCWD

Dear Sarah,
I have a friend who keeps flirting with me i like her and i want to tell her but also i don’t want to hurt her feelings so what should i do? tell her or not tell her?

Alantae

 

Dear Alantae,

I don’t understand the question. She is flirting and you like her so you don’t know if you should tell her that she’s flirting with you because you like her? Or you like her too much to tell her that she is flirting with you because you don’t know if she knows she’s a lesbian? Wait…What?  Reconstruct your inquiry and get back to me.

TWSCWD

PS- you have a weird name (but it’s kind of pretty I guess)

Dear Sarah,

I have a big problem. My boyfriend is an only child and his mother wants grandchildren. I don’t! I told him this after we started dating. We are in love and I don’t want to ruin the relationship between his mother and I but I refuse to give her what she wants.
What would Sarah Colonna do?

Kristy

 

Dear Kristy,

“Give her what she wants”? His mom sounds like some crazy Joanna Kerns “mother who kills her son’s wife because she refuses to give birth to an heir” character from a Lifetime movie.  Get the fuck out of there.

TWSCWD

Dear Sarah:
There is this dude who I semi-sort of know, and since I’ve become gayer & gayer online, he’s all over my balls (figuratively of course). He retweets & favorites me all the time on Twitter, likes my Facebook Statuses, reblogs me on Tumblr, and likes all my photos on Instagram. Literally ALL OF THEM.
Most recently, he sent me reese’s candies that said “to Dyllan, love: (name omitted)” I don’t know what to do! I ignore him, yet continues to pursue me. I’m not interested whatsoever, and to be brutally honest, he’s really not cute, but he’s a nice guy. I don’t know how to tell him! Please tell me, what would Sarah Colonna do?

Dyllan

Dear Dyllan,

I don’t want to know what “gayer and gayer online” means exactly, because it makes me think about websites I don’t wish to think about.  But congratulations.

To the issue: Nothing is more of a turn off than a guy constantly “liking” things on Facebook…except all of the other stuff you mentioned.  Block him from all of your pages, and if you run into him in person just tell him you are no longer online at all because you read that using social media gives you cancer.  Then maybe he’ll cancel his accounts and you’ll have a win-win. 

Oh- and keep the Reese’s, but eat in small portions- it’s bikini season!

TWSCWD

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