So on the roundtable this week I made a joke about my loud, fat cat. Today, I got this email; my response is below. It was too fun not to share.
Why get a cat if you’re not going to take good care of it and learn how to care for it properly? It’s obese because of your stupidity. It didn’t do it by itself.
NEVER leave food out for any animal. Animals food needs to be restricted just as for any human. Look at Chuy! Look at the people who can’t even get out of bed! You’re doing the same fucking thing to a precious animal who can’t change what YOU do to it!!!
Food 24/7 also creates crystals in the kidneys which block the urethra.
Why don’t you EDUCATE yourself about an animal BEFORE you decide to get one, instead of abusing the poor thing.
The cat will probably die soon of kidney failure. You need to take the cat to the Humane Society and get it proper care since you don’t give a shit.
Fucking cunt. You should be arrested for animal abuse.
Sad thing is….. you’ll probably make “jokes” about it instead of being a caring, compassionate, loving person.
Just shows what a pathetic excuse for a human being you are.
I’ve actually had that cat for sixteen years, and he’s as healthy and happy as can be. He goes to the vet when needed and everything! The vet says his weight is normal, but thanks for your input! He’s also very loud, which I made a joke about because I’m a fucking comedian (or as you called it, a “cunt”).
Oh, I didn’t “go get” a cat, I inherited my cat from a boyfriend who died tragically and suddenly in a car accident, and have taken loving care of him every since. That’s a true story! You can actually read all about that and more in my New York Times Bestseller “Life As I Blow It,” the specific chapter I’m referring to is called “Hell Cat.”
PS: Thanks for watching the show!!!!
EXCLUSIVE: NBC is taking a second stab at developing a comedy series based on Life As I Blow It, the book by Chelsea Lately and After Latelywriter-panelist Sarah Colonna. Denise Moss (Hackett) has been brought in to write/executive produce the project, originally developed last year with Colonna writing and Danielle Sanchez supervising. Colonna will now co-write the story with Moss, who will write the script.
The Chelsea Lately host ranked on 2012’s “Time 100” list of influencers, championed late-night TV with women 18 to 34, and dominated the New York Times’ best-seller list (again) with Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me. Meanwhile, Handler’s writer and roundtable regular, Sarah Colonna, saw her first book, Life as I Blow It, debut at No. 5 on the best-seller list and get a TV show deal with NBC.
I recently moved from LA and got a job offer in Boston. I work with this guy and he’s super cute, funny and such a gentlemen. We have gone out after work for a drink with a couple of co workers and he always pays for me and I truly think he flirts with me. Two of my co-workers say he is gay but honestly I have the best gay-dar and he seems 100 percent straight! should I ask? I am 23 and he’s 24. WWSCD?
If he only pays for your drinks and not your other co-workers’ drinks then it sounds like he’s flirting with you, which would mean he is gay (since you’re both men). It can’t hurt to ask; just be subtle and ask him the polite way: “how long ago was your last GIRLfriend” or “when was the last time you got a BJ from a dude?”
If it turns out he’s straight, maybe re-think the way you dress; it’s possible he’s being polite because he thinks you’re broke. Regardless, don’t piss him off and try to stay friends with him because it’s fun when people buy all of your drinks.
Right now I’m a junior journalism major. I like my major but I hate school and I’m over it. I always thought people who said “School isn’t for everyone” were annoying but now I totally understand it. Because of an internship I did at Disney I’m now stuck at school and extra year. All I want to do is stand up comedy and make people laugh. Should I drop out and move to LA or stay in school for two more year.
I finished college; I’m on TV and you’re not.
Finish fucking college.
I have a friend who keeps flirting with me i like her and i want to tell her but also i don’t want to hurt her feelings so what should i do? tell her or not tell her?
I don’t understand the question. She is flirting and you like her so you don’t know if you should tell her that she’s flirting with you because you like her? Or you like her too much to tell her that she is flirting with you because you don’t know if she knows she’s a lesbian? Wait…What? Reconstruct your inquiry and get back to me.
PS- you have a weird name (but it’s kind of pretty I guess)
I have a big problem. My boyfriend is an only child and his mother wants grandchildren. I don’t! I told him this after we started dating. We are in love and I don’t want to ruin the relationship between his mother and I but I refuse to give her what she wants.
What would Sarah Colonna do?
“Give her what she wants”? His mom sounds like some crazy Joanna Kerns “mother who kills her son’s wife because she refuses to give birth to an heir” character from a Lifetime movie. Get the fuck out of there.
There is this dude who I semi-sort of know, and since I’ve become gayer & gayer online, he’s all over my balls (figuratively of course). He retweets & favorites me all the time on Twitter, likes my Facebook Statuses, reblogs me on Tumblr, and likes all my photos on Instagram. Literally ALL OF THEM.
Most recently, he sent me reese’s candies that said “to Dyllan, love: (name omitted)” I don’t know what to do! I ignore him, yet continues to pursue me. I’m not interested whatsoever, and to be brutally honest, he’s really not cute, but he’s a nice guy. I don’t know how to tell him! Please tell me, what would Sarah Colonna do?
I don’t want to know what “gayer and gayer online” means exactly, because it makes me think about websites I don’t wish to think about. But congratulations.
To the issue: Nothing is more of a turn off than a guy constantly “liking” things on Facebook…except all of the other stuff you mentioned. Block him from all of your pages, and if you run into him in person just tell him you are no longer online at all because you read that using social media gives you cancer. Then maybe he’ll cancel his accounts and you’ll have a win-win.
Oh- and keep the Reese’s, but eat in small portions- it’s bikini season!