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Very…Very Friendly

Dear Sarah,
I have a friend who keeps flirting with me i like her and i want to tell her but also i don’t want to hurt her feelings so what should i do? tell her or not tell her?

Alantae

 

Dear Alantae,

I don’t understand the question. She is flirting and you like her so you don’t know if you should tell her that she’s flirting with you because you like her? Or you like her too much to tell her that she is flirting with you because you don’t know if she knows she’s a lesbian? Wait…What?  Reconstruct your inquiry and get back to me.

TWSCWD

PS- you have a weird name (but it’s kind of pretty I guess)


Momma Problems

Dear Sarah,

I have a big problem. My boyfriend is an only child and his mother wants grandchildren. I don’t! I told him this after we started dating. We are in love and I don’t want to ruin the relationship between his mother and I but I refuse to give her what she wants.
What would Sarah Colonna do?

Kristy

 

Dear Kristy,

“Give her what she wants”? His mom sounds like some crazy Joanna Kerns “mother who kills her son’s wife because she refuses to give birth to an heir” character from a Lifetime movie.  Get the fuck out of there.

TWSCWD


Gay Boy Problems

Dear Sarah:
There is this dude who I semi-sort of know, and since I’ve become gayer & gayer online, he’s all over my balls (figuratively of course). He retweets & favorites me all the time on Twitter, likes my Facebook Statuses, reblogs me on Tumblr, and likes all my photos on Instagram. Literally ALL OF THEM.
Most recently, he sent me reese’s candies that said “to Dyllan, love: (name omitted)” I don’t know what to do! I ignore him, yet continues to pursue me. I’m not interested whatsoever, and to be brutally honest, he’s really not cute, but he’s a nice guy. I don’t know how to tell him! Please tell me, what would Sarah Colonna do?

Dyllan

Dear Dyllan,

I don’t want to know what “gayer and gayer online” means exactly, because it makes me think about websites I don’t wish to think about.  But congratulations.

To the issue: Nothing is more of a turn off than a guy constantly “liking” things on Facebook…except all of the other stuff you mentioned.  Block him from all of your pages, and if you run into him in person just tell him you are no longer online at all because you read that using social media gives you cancer.  Then maybe he’ll cancel his accounts and you’ll have a win-win. 

Oh- and keep the Reese’s, but eat in small portions- it’s bikini season!

TWSCWD


Choosing a College

Dear Sarah,
It’s my last couple of months in high school and Ive applied (and been accepted) to four colleges. The only problem is I don’t know where to go and I need to chose to go to in two weeks. All four are nice and basically the same. I don’t prefer one over another. How should I choose which one to go to?
WWSCD?
Thanks.
Drew


Dear Drew,
It’s impressive that you were accepted to all of the schools you applied to, especially since the following half of one of your sentences: “to go and I need to chose to go to in two weeks,” is riddled with errors. But congratulations!

Just go to the one with the coldest winter so you get lots of snow days.
TWSCWD


Does he like me?

Dear Sarah,
So, I’m 20 years old. I’m in college for Criminal Justice-Law Enforcement, and the end of it is 22 weeks of training. I’m half done and have 11 weeks left until graduation. I’m with 24 guys constantly – not a bad gig. Well, there’s this older guy that I talk and text with pretty consistently every day. Hes 26 and I’m 20, not that big of a deal. And he’s pretty rich.

But I can’t tell if he like’s me or not because he jokes around, A LOT. Which is pretty perfect. But, also confusing. I just want to know already if he wants a relationship or not. But I’m younger, and a girl, so I’m a little nervous to ask first, since usually guys do that part.

If he says no then the next 11 weeks might be awkward, and he’s a really good friend at this point so I don’t really want to lose that.

What would you do, Sarah Colonna?
Sincerely,
SierraCopp
My Initials are SC too :)

Dear SierraCopp,
Calm down about the initials, clearly that isn’t your real name and even if it was, lots of people have the initials “SC.” For instance: Steve Carrell, Shawn Copelander, Samantha Crap and Solamander Crouton. I made all the ones after Steve Carrell up because I couldn’t think of any more, but you get the idea.

You mentioned you’re in Criminal Justice-Law Enforcement. I’m not positive but I think that’s a fancy way of saying you’re going to be a cop. So-can I get your number and like a “get out of jail free three or four times” pass? Thanks.

Okay, so to the issue at hand: if this guy jokes around all the time, try speaking his language. Next time you guys have lunch, (which I assume you do, but if you don’t ever take lunch together than you already have your answer because that means he doesn’t like you), make a wacky joke in his style. Like: “I don’t know what I want-a Reuben sandwich or a relationship with you!” If he doesn’t catch on try the old stand-by “So what are you hungry for? Pizza or my pussy?” If he doesn’t grab you and take you into the holding cell or wherever it is you people train, he probably just wants the pizza.
TWSCWD

P.S. He sounds kind of great, so if he rejects you can you give him my email address? Thanks.


43, Looking to Date

Hey Sarah, my Idol,
How do you find dates? Is it cause you’re famous? I’m 43, haven’t had a date in 10 years (since I dropped out of the game to care for my father for 2 years). Internet, yuk. Men in bars & clubs want the 23 year olds. Get me in back in the groove. HELP ME Please!
Linda

Dear Linda,
Some people might suggest that the fact I am your idol is part of the problem. Those people are assholes, so keep doin’ what you do, girl.

First of all, I’m not really famous, but thanks for saying that I am. You probably just think that because you haven’t been out of the house in 10 years. Second, if you aren’t exaggerating at all about the 10 years without a date thing, I hope you know what “YouPorn.com” is. If you don’t, google it, go take care of business, then come back and finish reading this after you wash your hands.

Finally, yes most men in bars want the 23 year old girls, but only for short term. Eventually they have to talk to them and it rarely goes well. And those girls usually don’t want the 45 year old guy they met at the bar once the roofie wears off.

So my advice: try going to the same bar a few times and scoping out the male patrons who are regulars there. After one month of careful observation, paper the place with flyers for some ladies’ night at a bar 15 miles away. Make up some crazy deals and celebrity appearances that no woman would turn down, then in bold print across the top say that only women 42 and under are allowed in for this event. And in bolder print “no men over 23 and a half.” On said night, go back to said bar and get your groove on with the guys who have extremely limited options now that you’ve driven away business.
TWSCWD


Aspiring Comedian

Sarah,
I want to start off by saying I find you the most hilarious woman on tv. Chelsea is second. Sorry for grammar errors my iPod isn’t that good at fixing them. I have decided in my life to aspire to be a comedian. Every day in my high school life to try to make everyone laugh an smile. So my question is what is the best pathway to take to be comedian/ actor.
WWSCD
Tyler


Dear Tyler,
I want to start off by saying that you have amazing taste in comedy, specifically female comedians. Maybe next time also mention that I’m pretty.

Your grammar isn’t bad, which surprises me since you are using a music listening device as a tutor. I did fix a couple of things for you so that when people read this they don’t fear for the future of America as much as I do, but there were minimal mistakes so I’m not as worried about you as I am-say-Bristol Palin’s kid.

As far as being a comedian, I say go for it if it’s truly want to do. But ONLY if it’s truly what you want because it’s a huge pain in the ass to get to a point you can make more that six dollars a week. However, if you love it, stick with it and believe in yourself; the pay off is worth it. In the mean time, maybe cut down the attempts to make your classmates laugh from every day to every other day. You probably get on their nerves.
TWSCWD


Shotgun Wedding Part 2

Hey Sarah,
It’s me again from my last subject “shotgun wedding.” The wedding was worse than I imagined. I later realized I was so distraught over it I told you I was 18 when I am in fact 19. At the reception we had McDonald’s Chicken Nuggets and Lays chips. She now calls me crying about how the husband only wants sex and for her to cook and clean. Me being the heartless bitch that I am due to a lonely childhood could care less and I instantly regret answering the phone every time. I can’t keep being nice or I will explode. How do I break the news that I don’t give a fuck and all I care about is hanging out with my child-less friends and getting shit faced?
WWSCD?
Molly

Molly,
Last time you wrote she had selected her fiance’s sister as Maid of Honor over you, which I quickly congratulated you on because the whole wedding sounded like a big pile of shit. Clearly I was correct, except I guessed they’d serve Taco Bell and in an unexpected twist, they went with McDonald’s. I consider that just another rude move, as everyone knows Taco Bell is more appropriate “I’m 19, got pregnant, and now I have to get married” food. Chicken nuggets are reserved for true love.

I think the bigger problem here is that your lonely childhood didn’t leave you heartless, it actually left you desperate for friends which is why you continue to take her calls. If you’re like the rest of the world, you’re so used to inputting numbers in your cell that you don’t have hers memorized and vice versa. So I suggest you change your number so neither of you can contact the other.
If that doesn’t work, move to another town where teenagers understand what a condom is, and maybe get some therapy about that childhood thing.
TWSCWD


Rave Rollin’

Dear Sarah,
Hello, my friends want me to go to a rave with them and roll, but I’m nervous because I do not want to get raped or have a “lesbian experience”. What shall I do?
Kassidy

Dear Kassidy,
Go. If the lesbian thing comes up, just say ‘you first,’ enjoy it, then pass when it’s your turn.
TWSCWD


Used for Disney Tickets?

Sarah,
My best friend is acting like she doesn’t want me anymore. She is replacing me with all of these other people she met. I don’t have a problem with her being friends with other people, because I have a lot of other friends too. But the worst part is that she started acting like this after I took her to Disney World for my sixteenth birthday. I feel like she used me. What would you do in this situation? WWSCD?
Sincerely,
Jenna

Dear Jenna,
She used you to take her to Disney World on your birthday? This doesn’t add up. Maybe you dragged her to Disney World and she’s still reeling from the Churros and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. In that case, you need to apologize to her because Disney World is pretty annoying. If I’m wrong, and she was using you because you’re like–related to the Disneys or something–can I get a couple of tickets? Thanks in advance!
TWSCWD


Questions for Sarah

A time comes in everyone’s day when the question must be asked: WWSCD? When you need to know the answer to What Would Sarah Colonna Do, ask her a question!