WWSCD

A couple people on Twitter (@Stephhbell and @Kaychiarello) thought my advice might be useful. I'm not sure if that's true, but I figured I'd give it a shot. If you have anything you would like my input on, write to me here and I'll do my best to let you know what Sarah Colonna (that's me) would do.

I'm not responsible for anything if you actually take my advice. That's your problem.

Fat Cat

So on the roundtable this week I made a joke about my loud, fat cat. Today, I got this email; my response is below. It was too fun not to share.

From “Wilson”:
Why get a cat if you’re not going to take good care of it and learn how to care for it properly? It’s obese because of your stupidity. It didn’t do it by itself.

NEVER leave food out for any animal. Animals food needs to be restricted just as for any human. Look at Chuy! Look at the people who can’t even get out of bed! You’re doing the same fucking thing to a precious animal who can’t change what YOU do to it!!!
Food 24/7 also creates crystals in the kidneys which block the urethra.

Why don’t you EDUCATE yourself about an animal BEFORE you decide to get one, instead of abusing the poor thing.
The cat will probably die soon of kidney failure. You need to take the cat to the Humane Society and get it proper care since you don’t give a shit.
Fucking cunt. You should be arrested for animal abuse.
Sad thing is….. you’ll probably make “jokes” about it instead of being a caring, compassionate, loving person.
Just shows what a pathetic excuse for a human being you are.


My response:

Dear Wilson,

I’ve actually had that cat for sixteen years, and he’s as healthy and happy as can be. He goes to the vet when needed and everything! The vet says his weight is normal, but thanks for your input! He’s also very loud, which I made a joke about because I’m a fucking comedian (or as you called it, a “cunt”).

Oh, I didn’t “go get” a cat, I inherited my cat from a boyfriend who died tragically and suddenly in a car accident, and have taken loving care of him every since. That’s a true story! You can actually read all about that and more in my New York Times Bestseller “Life As I Blow It,” the specific chapter I’m referring to is called “Hell Cat.”

PS: Thanks for watching the show!!!!

Sarah


Is he gay?

Dear Sarah,
I recently moved from LA and got a job offer in Boston.  I work with this guy and he’s super cute, funny and such a gentlemen. We have gone out after work for a drink with a couple of co workers and he always pays for me and I truly think he flirts with me. Two of my co-workers say he is gay but honestly I have the best gay-dar and he seems 100 percent straight! should I ask? I am 23 and he’s 24.  WWSCD?

Jules

Dear Jules,

If he only pays for your drinks and not your other co-workers’ drinks then it sounds like he’s flirting with you, which would mean he is gay (since you’re both men).  It can’t hurt to ask; just be subtle and ask him the polite way:  “how long ago was your last GIRLfriend” or “when was the last time you got a BJ from a dude?”

If it turns out he’s straight, maybe re-think the way you dress; it’s possible he’s being polite because he thinks you’re broke. Regardless, don’t piss him off and try to stay friends with him because it’s fun when people buy all of your drinks.

TWSCWD


Finished with College?

Dear Sarah,

Right now I’m a junior journalism major. I like my major but I hate school and I’m over it. I always thought people who said “School isn’t for everyone” were annoying but now I totally understand it. Because of an internship I did at Disney I’m now stuck at school and extra year. All I want to do is stand up comedy and make people laugh. Should I drop out and move to LA or stay in school for two more year.
WWSCD
Sincerely,
Lexi

 

Dear Lexi,

I finished college; I’m on TV and you’re not. 

Finish fucking college.

TWSCWD


Very…Very Friendly

Dear Sarah,
I have a friend who keeps flirting with me i like her and i want to tell her but also i don’t want to hurt her feelings so what should i do? tell her or not tell her?

Alantae

 

Dear Alantae,

I don’t understand the question. She is flirting and you like her so you don’t know if you should tell her that she’s flirting with you because you like her? Or you like her too much to tell her that she is flirting with you because you don’t know if she knows she’s a lesbian? Wait…What?  Reconstruct your inquiry and get back to me.

TWSCWD

PS- you have a weird name (but it’s kind of pretty I guess)


Momma Problems

Dear Sarah,

I have a big problem. My boyfriend is an only child and his mother wants grandchildren. I don’t! I told him this after we started dating. We are in love and I don’t want to ruin the relationship between his mother and I but I refuse to give her what she wants.
What would Sarah Colonna do?

Kristy

 

Dear Kristy,

“Give her what she wants”? His mom sounds like some crazy Joanna Kerns “mother who kills her son’s wife because she refuses to give birth to an heir” character from a Lifetime movie.  Get the fuck out of there.

TWSCWD


Gay Boy Problems

Dear Sarah:
There is this dude who I semi-sort of know, and since I’ve become gayer & gayer online, he’s all over my balls (figuratively of course). He retweets & favorites me all the time on Twitter, likes my Facebook Statuses, reblogs me on Tumblr, and likes all my photos on Instagram. Literally ALL OF THEM.
Most recently, he sent me reese’s candies that said “to Dyllan, love: (name omitted)” I don’t know what to do! I ignore him, yet continues to pursue me. I’m not interested whatsoever, and to be brutally honest, he’s really not cute, but he’s a nice guy. I don’t know how to tell him! Please tell me, what would Sarah Colonna do?

Dyllan

Dear Dyllan,

I don’t want to know what “gayer and gayer online” means exactly, because it makes me think about websites I don’t wish to think about.  But congratulations.

To the issue: Nothing is more of a turn off than a guy constantly “liking” things on Facebook…except all of the other stuff you mentioned.  Block him from all of your pages, and if you run into him in person just tell him you are no longer online at all because you read that using social media gives you cancer.  Then maybe he’ll cancel his accounts and you’ll have a win-win. 

Oh- and keep the Reese’s, but eat in small portions- it’s bikini season!

TWSCWD


Choosing a College

Dear Sarah,
It’s my last couple of months in high school and Ive applied (and been accepted) to four colleges. The only problem is I don’t know where to go and I need to chose to go to in two weeks. All four are nice and basically the same. I don’t prefer one over another. How should I choose which one to go to?
WWSCD?
Thanks.
Drew


Dear Drew,
It’s impressive that you were accepted to all of the schools you applied to, especially since the following half of one of your sentences: “to go and I need to chose to go to in two weeks,” is riddled with errors. But congratulations!

Just go to the one with the coldest winter so you get lots of snow days.
TWSCWD


Does he like me?

Dear Sarah,
So, I’m 20 years old. I’m in college for Criminal Justice-Law Enforcement, and the end of it is 22 weeks of training. I’m half done and have 11 weeks left until graduation. I’m with 24 guys constantly – not a bad gig. Well, there’s this older guy that I talk and text with pretty consistently every day. Hes 26 and I’m 20, not that big of a deal. And he’s pretty rich.

But I can’t tell if he like’s me or not because he jokes around, A LOT. Which is pretty perfect. But, also confusing. I just want to know already if he wants a relationship or not. But I’m younger, and a girl, so I’m a little nervous to ask first, since usually guys do that part.

If he says no then the next 11 weeks might be awkward, and he’s a really good friend at this point so I don’t really want to lose that.

What would you do, Sarah Colonna?
Sincerely,
SierraCopp
My Initials are SC too :)

Dear SierraCopp,
Calm down about the initials, clearly that isn’t your real name and even if it was, lots of people have the initials “SC.” For instance: Steve Carrell, Shawn Copelander, Samantha Crap and Solamander Crouton. I made all the ones after Steve Carrell up because I couldn’t think of any more, but you get the idea.

You mentioned you’re in Criminal Justice-Law Enforcement. I’m not positive but I think that’s a fancy way of saying you’re going to be a cop. So-can I get your number and like a “get out of jail free three or four times” pass? Thanks.

Okay, so to the issue at hand: if this guy jokes around all the time, try speaking his language. Next time you guys have lunch, (which I assume you do, but if you don’t ever take lunch together than you already have your answer because that means he doesn’t like you), make a wacky joke in his style. Like: “I don’t know what I want-a Reuben sandwich or a relationship with you!” If he doesn’t catch on try the old stand-by “So what are you hungry for? Pizza or my pussy?” If he doesn’t grab you and take you into the holding cell or wherever it is you people train, he probably just wants the pizza.
TWSCWD

P.S. He sounds kind of great, so if he rejects you can you give him my email address? Thanks.


43, Looking to Date

Hey Sarah, my Idol,
How do you find dates? Is it cause you’re famous? I’m 43, haven’t had a date in 10 years (since I dropped out of the game to care for my father for 2 years). Internet, yuk. Men in bars & clubs want the 23 year olds. Get me in back in the groove. HELP ME Please!
Linda

Dear Linda,
Some people might suggest that the fact I am your idol is part of the problem. Those people are assholes, so keep doin’ what you do, girl.

First of all, I’m not really famous, but thanks for saying that I am. You probably just think that because you haven’t been out of the house in 10 years. Second, if you aren’t exaggerating at all about the 10 years without a date thing, I hope you know what “YouPorn.com” is. If you don’t, google it, go take care of business, then come back and finish reading this after you wash your hands.

Finally, yes most men in bars want the 23 year old girls, but only for short term. Eventually they have to talk to them and it rarely goes well. And those girls usually don’t want the 45 year old guy they met at the bar once the roofie wears off.

So my advice: try going to the same bar a few times and scoping out the male patrons who are regulars there. After one month of careful observation, paper the place with flyers for some ladies’ night at a bar 15 miles away. Make up some crazy deals and celebrity appearances that no woman would turn down, then in bold print across the top say that only women 42 and under are allowed in for this event. And in bolder print “no men over 23 and a half.” On said night, go back to said bar and get your groove on with the guys who have extremely limited options now that you’ve driven away business.
TWSCWD


Aspiring Comedian

Sarah,
I want to start off by saying I find you the most hilarious woman on tv. Chelsea is second. Sorry for grammar errors my iPod isn’t that good at fixing them. I have decided in my life to aspire to be a comedian. Every day in my high school life to try to make everyone laugh an smile. So my question is what is the best pathway to take to be comedian/ actor.
WWSCD
Tyler


Dear Tyler,
I want to start off by saying that you have amazing taste in comedy, specifically female comedians. Maybe next time also mention that I’m pretty.

Your grammar isn’t bad, which surprises me since you are using a music listening device as a tutor. I did fix a couple of things for you so that when people read this they don’t fear for the future of America as much as I do, but there were minimal mistakes so I’m not as worried about you as I am-say-Bristol Palin’s kid.

As far as being a comedian, I say go for it if it’s truly want to do. But ONLY if it’s truly what you want because it’s a huge pain in the ass to get to a point you can make more that six dollars a week. However, if you love it, stick with it and believe in yourself; the pay off is worth it. In the mean time, maybe cut down the attempts to make your classmates laugh from every day to every other day. You probably get on their nerves.
TWSCWD


Questions for Sarah

A time comes in everyone’s day when the question must be asked: WWSCD? When you need to know the answer to What Would Sarah Colonna Do, ask her a question!