A couple people on Twitter (@Stephhbell and @Kaychiarello) thought my advice might be useful. I'm not sure if that's true, but I figured I'd give it a shot. If you have anything you would like my input on, write to me here and I'll do my best to let you know what Sarah Colonna (that's me) would do.

I'm not responsible for anything if you actually take my advice. That's your problem.

Shotgun Wedding Part 2

Hey Sarah,
It’s me again from my last subject “shotgun wedding.” The wedding was worse than I imagined. I later realized I was so distraught over it I told you I was 18 when I am in fact 19. At the reception we had McDonald’s Chicken Nuggets and Lays chips. She now calls me crying about how the husband only wants sex and for her to cook and clean. Me being the heartless bitch that I am due to a lonely childhood could care less and I instantly regret answering the phone every time. I can’t keep being nice or I will explode. How do I break the news that I don’t give a fuck and all I care about is hanging out with my child-less friends and getting shit faced?

Last time you wrote she had selected her fiance’s sister as Maid of Honor over you, which I quickly congratulated you on because the whole wedding sounded like a big pile of shit. Clearly I was correct, except I guessed they’d serve Taco Bell and in an unexpected twist, they went with McDonald’s. I consider that just another rude move, as everyone knows Taco Bell is more appropriate “I’m 19, got pregnant, and now I have to get married” food. Chicken nuggets are reserved for true love.

I think the bigger problem here is that your lonely childhood didn’t leave you heartless, it actually left you desperate for friends which is why you continue to take her calls. If you’re like the rest of the world, you’re so used to inputting numbers in your cell that you don’t have hers memorized and vice versa. So I suggest you change your number so neither of you can contact the other.
If that doesn’t work, move to another town where teenagers understand what a condom is, and maybe get some therapy about that childhood thing.

Rave Rollin’

Dear Sarah,
Hello, my friends want me to go to a rave with them and roll, but I’m nervous because I do not want to get raped or have a “lesbian experience”. What shall I do?

Dear Kassidy,
Go. If the lesbian thing comes up, just say ‘you first,’ enjoy it, then pass when it’s your turn.

Used for Disney Tickets?

My best friend is acting like she doesn’t want me anymore. She is replacing me with all of these other people she met. I don’t have a problem with her being friends with other people, because I have a lot of other friends too. But the worst part is that she started acting like this after I took her to Disney World for my sixteenth birthday. I feel like she used me. What would you do in this situation? WWSCD?

Dear Jenna,
She used you to take her to Disney World on your birthday? This doesn’t add up. Maybe you dragged her to Disney World and she’s still reeling from the Churros and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. In that case, you need to apologize to her because Disney World is pretty annoying. If I’m wrong, and she was using you because you’re like–related to the Disneys or something–can I get a couple of tickets? Thanks in advance!

Wrestling with Problems

Dear Sarah,
I’m going to be a sophomore next year and I decided to do random rooming after having a terrible experience with my first roommate. As it turns out, I’m living in a suite with 5 other people, and 4 of those people are on the wrestling team. While I am straight, I don’t have a limit to what I watch or listen to, so it’s possible that you may here some Adele playing from my laptop from time to time. Do you think I should change how I act for the better of my living experience, or tell the guys its always good to break out in song from time to time? WWSCD?

Dear Sean,
If you’re about to live with 4 dudes who wear singlets and put each other in leg locks, chances are you are going to be the only straight one in that house. They may pretend to like girls, but when you start to notice how often they slap each other on the ass or help each other shave their legs so that they can move around faster on the mat, you’ll see what I mean. My only advice to you is to download MORE Adele, and maybe throw in some Lady Gaga. You also might want to consider a nice new lock for your bedroom door, because steroids make guys do unpredictable things.

Related to a Date?

Dear Sarah,
I recently hooked up with a girl on fb and it was amazing. However,she is almost kin. What i mean is she is my STEP dad’s brother’s daughter. Anyways, I’m not from Kentucky so i know this isn’t normal, but we had a great time….WWSCD?

Dear Toby,
It’s too confusing to figure out if you’re related or not. If you even have to spend one second thinking about it, it’s gross. I’m sure you had a great time; lots of brothers and sisters get along famously. And if you’re “almost kin” why did you hook up on Facebook? Don’t you have her phone number or maybe an email? This whole thing sounds fucked up. There are millions of people of Facebook, so if that’s your stomping grounds for dating, try finding a girl that doesn’t show up in your “family” category.

Embarrassing Last Name

Dear Sarah,
Hey Sarah, I’m seeing this terrific guy but his last name is very embarrassing, What if we get married someday? I am very traditional I want to take my husband’s name but is it worth a lifetime of teasing and funny looks? Please tell me WWSCD? P.S The name is another word for vagina

Dear Jenny,
You should totally take his last name. But hyphenate it with your last so that people are very clear that it’s your husband’s last name and you’re just being a good person by taking it, and he’s the asshole with the dumb last name.

Now that that’s settled, I am dying to know what his last name is. I have some guesses:
Cha Cha
Grassy Knoll (but I doubt it’s two words)
Sloppy Joe (ugh, 2 words again!)

Let me know if I’m hot or cold.


Dear Sarah,
Hi beautiful.
So here’s what’s up. I am a pushover and recently it’s started to ware on me. I do alot for other people and the more I think about, I get fuck all in return. For example I have alot of people around who have alot of offspring and I babysitt alot. Now I love kids (sometimes) but there’s a reason why I don’t have my own. What makes these people think the world owes them time off from their kids and think said kids can be dumped on me who made better decisions? Is this selfish? I mean what am I getting in return. I don’t get paid. I am only 22 and don’t see kids in my near future so I can’t dump my kids on them, I also think speeding up this process would be going a bit to far for payback, cause then theres another human involved in this mess. Also I do alot for some friends and ask for nothing in return however one day last week after dragging there moaning faced kids around town all day I asked them to one little thing for me and suddenly we were out of time. Oh my god I am a fool am I? Seriously though. Do I matter less cause Ive made sound decisions and stayed out of the baby department? WWSCD.

Dear Kimberley,
First of all, it’s “a lot.” And there’s only on “t” in “babysit.” And it’s “I’ve”…oh, forget it. I just hope you aren’t teaching these kids grammar. I’m not worried about that; you sound sweet and I’m sure you have other qualities that make spelling not that big of a problem. Here’s the deal: You have to stop watching people’s kids if they aren’t going to take 5 minutes out of their day to drop you off at Cost-Co or a liquor store. If you were getting paid it would make at least a little sense, but at this point it sounds like you’re what’s known as a “door mat.” You’re only 22 now, but if you continue this behavior, next thing you know you’re 38. Your friends now have pets for their kids and suddenly you’re the asshole that has to walk the dogs and scoop out the cat litter while they go on nice Caribbean vacations with their families. Stop this embarrassing behavior before it’s too late.

Tired of Lending an Ear

Dear Sarah,
I happen to be the friend that everyone likes to vent to. They like to tell me their problems, and I’m expected to listen. This has been happening for a while now. I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but I’m tired of hearing about everyone’s so called “love lives” especially when the people involved are 17 and under. How can I tell them that I don’t give shit, without ruining the friendship? WWSCD?

Dear Stephen,
You don’t sound like an asshole, but your friends do. What a bunch of whiners. I wouldn’t worry about ruining the friendships, I’d just make new friends.

Inferiority Complex

Dear Sarah,
I quit my dead-end job over a year ago and have been shacking up with my awesome boyfriend. He’s my soul mate and I have the utmost respect for him. Since we met, his career has taken off, and he’s bordering on fame and fortune in the music world. Meanwhile, I pick up odd-jobs and do an awful job with house chores. Though I cook like a motherfucker and he usually doesn’t have to go without clean underwear.

I could totally ride this shit out and continue to accompany him around the world, meeting the most influential artists of our generation. I’m not exactly an over-achiever, but I feel like such a giant loser next to him. I find myself telling people at his gigs that I’m a chef or a lawyer out of shame for what I really am: a pothead who can’t seem to finish the laundry and mop.

He loves me for who I am, but I feel so inferior sometimes… Advice?


Dear Needtogetmyshittogether,
It sounds like you are kind of a loser, so if you found a great guy who is willing to tote you around the country while you maintain the duties of laundry and cooking, I say go with the flow. I’m fucking exhausted, I wish I had your problem. Instead, I have to work a full time job AND find the time to sit down and tell people like you how to live your dumb lives. Want to switch? Look, obviously he is looking for arm candy and you’re it. Run with it. In fact, maybe take it down a notch. Start sending the laundry to fluff ‘n’ fold and order food for delivery. Get it to the point that you don’t do a fucking thing. That way you are at least committed to something, which ultimately is nothing.

Basketball Player

Dear Sarah,
I’m a freshman in college and had been talking to a junior (“basketball star” aka, cocky bastard) for 6 months until he broke things off because “I deserved better.” I later found out that he had been hooking up with another girl for the last two weeks we were talking. Long story short, he wants me back now and promises that he’s ready for a relationship and to treat me right. Would I be the dumbest bitch ever to try things out again with him? WWSCD?!

Dear Morgan,
No man under the age of 40 breaks up with a woman because they think that woman “deserves better.” If you met him in college and he is that age, you should have been asking me a whole list of other questions. Like “why do I hate myself?’ Assuming he is of proper college basketball player age, you need to tell him to fuck off. He sounds like a real asshole, which is weird because usually basketball players are so loving and monogamous.

Questions for Sarah

A time comes in everyone’s day when the question must be asked: WWSCD? When you need to know the answer to What Would Sarah Colonna Do, ask her a question!